How I Can Just Kill A....Cookie

Yes, that was a Rage Against the Machine reference. And yes, this entry is going to feature the careless concoction of a kitchen catastrophe called "cookie". I was going to use this space to express my disdain in the usual manner (wordy and alliterate), but since rants are criticized and poems are patronized I will try the lyrical approach.

Get those crisp-ity, crumbly cardboard cookies out of my face.

A mix between candy-coated crackers and burnt flaky cake
Culinary sophistication only a 5-year-old should create.
And when is a cookie ever appropriate to plate?
Never seen a snickerdoodle on a $100 date.

And why are they so dry and bland?
Take a lesson from M&Ms,
Melt in my mouth, not corrode in my hand.
With every bite, coating my clothes like sugary sand
Doubling as exfoliate for dry flaky hands.

And if you're asking me,
I say there's something obscene
About a pastry making me feign for animal fat and liquid protein
Lady Fingers, Wafers, Biscotti and Tim Tams
Sounds like the names of washed out 80's bands.
Let's call them Blondie or Duran Duran
And hope they fade away and quickly disband

Kebbler Elf, keep your crap off my shelf,
Or I'll have your creamy center ripped out and splattered myself
Chips Ahoy,
Oh, boy...
Get your chocolate chips scattered by the clips from my semi-automatic "toy"
And Gingerbread Man?
You better run while you can
Cause you'll never escape my pistol-whipped backhand.

Get those crisp-ity, crumbly cardboard cookies out of my face.
(Unless they are white chocolate macadamia, I kinda like how they taste.)

Original, innocent photo found here.

I feel this song is appropriate. Have to thank my friend for reminding me how much I like it.

Pistol Grip Pump - Rage Against The Machine

My Favorite STD....

...VD (or Valentine's Day). No cynical implications applied; it really is one of my favorite foodie days. Aside from societal pressures, crowded dining rooms, and tasteless decor (hot pink, satin red, and bleach white -- why?), the 14th of February is a perfect excuse to creatively expand one's culinary awareness. Because of many factors (primarily financial -- shaking fist at failed federal monetary plan), I decided to taste-test my city's top patisseries, Panaderia Rosas and Aki's Bakery.

Panaderia Rosas
Temptations: Gelatin Parfait, Chocolate-Vanilla Marble Cake, Coconut Empanada
Bank: ♥ (only $2.89 for all three, don't ask me how)
Sexiness: ♥♥♥ (there's an extra heart in there only because of the coconut, otherwise these rate as deceptively bland)
Yumminess: ♥♥♥♥
Sketchiness: ♥ (empanada was on the thirsty side)
Two Cents: Definitely would bring box fulls to any brunch. Cheap, delicate flavors, traditional favorites, perfect texture, and freshness were apparent in each dessert.

Aki's Bakery
Tempations: Guava Cake Parfait
Bank: ♥♥♥
($7 for both, not bad if I'm not paying)
Sexiness: ♥♥♥♥
(anything tropical usually does it for me)
Yumminess: ♥♥♥♥
(mellow sweetness and true guava flavoring)
Sketchiness: ♥♥
(not enough depth. fluff + cake = yawn)
Two Cents: Unique. Signature flavor is worth having again, but maybe as a birthday cake, not a cup full of whipped cream

Jealous?


Below is a seasonal soundtrack to soothe whatever kind of soul you might be.

1. Sappy: Mighty Joe - Ms. One
2. Silly: Pigeon John - Money Back Guarantee
3. Sinister: Tantrum - Love Track

Happy Valentine's Day

VD

Glamour-less Gluttony

While I advocate safe and necessary indulgences (holiday hoarding, specialty splurges, PMS pampering, and anything coconut), this type of gluttony is spilling into tacky.

Take special note of the "sloppy joe on a krispy kreme"....How dare they.

**Special thanks to blogger ZavyZaveZavi for bring this backward binging to light.


Music Selection: Veggie Tales - My Cheeseburger
Christian vegetable rap - good for the heart, body and the mainstream American conservative soul

Eat your roughage readers...

veggie